The Del Boys of Brexit

Today should be a day of relative happiness amidst the gloom of 2020, but the stark reality is that more fog is descending upon us. Brexit Eve. A day years in the making is now on our doorstep. There is no point in trying to stop it any longer, the jig is up and now, millions of Britons must face the consequences of the lies and bluster of their own government. It is important, however, to remember those that got us here. Those who own this own it forever, and in the uncertain times that lie ahead, it is essential that we remember this, because before long, the Brexiteer scope will dial in on people within itself in order to survive the shower of shit that is inbound to Brittania.

Boris Johnson is the man who presides over the cesspool of w*****s. It is, therefore, very helpful for the PM that he is cut from the same material as they. The original w****r. W****r 1.0. I say that he “presides” over them because he has never truly led anyone other than himself. In fact, within number 10, it is said that he is often treated as the most simple of men who requires instruction. When he is hungry, feed him, when he is sleepy, put him to bed, and when he is randy, the dense etonian must be relieved. Not exactly the most intelligent leader of men, he didn’t even graduate Magna Cum Laude from Balliol College, Oxford. However, without talent does not mean unpopular. Bojo was very popular amongst the general British public. Yes, the man who gets stuck on ziplines, barges young children out of the way in a game of touch rugby, slide tackles Maurizo Gaudino and doesn’t know how many children he has is the true embodiment of the Great British Spirit. This has blinded people to seeing that Johnson is the chief U-turner in the UK. Votes for deals, votes against deals, votes for deals, votes against deals. Promises, renegements, promises, renegements. Blowing in the wind to public opinion without a spine, a political jellyfish waiting to sting so he can move to the next destination. He did it to Cameron and he did it to May, but now, without the EU, there is clearwater ahead of him. Johnson must wade back through his own tribe, stinger at the ready, to survive, for every uninspiring, visionless leader needs a victim to gain appraisal. He undoubtedly will be aware of the submarine coming his way. Rishi Sunak’s propellers are silent, and his next eat out to help out scheme could include a Sunak special of mashed up Jellyfish, taken from British Waters. It is Johnson who is the majority shareholder in the festering mess of Brexit and all things that go awry with it should be attributed to the callous charlatan, but it was not he who struck the match. 

That accolade belongs to one Mr David Cameron. A man whose ego is so big, he has joined an illustrious list alongside the likes of The Grand Canyon, the Amazon Rainforest and the Great Barrier Reef as things that can be seen on earth from space. Calling a referendum, running a lousy campaign and then pissing off to write a book all about how hard he tried doens’t exactly scream patriot to me. And for those wondering, the book is about as clear cut as his preference in football teams. Cameron wanted to be the man. The man. Could he put to bed a problem the Tories had for decades? Could he do what Heath, Thatcher, Major, Hague, IDS or Howard couldn’t? No. Of course not. He was just as shit as them but in a nicer suit. He made a boo-boo, did a runner, and has now joined Tony Blair and Major in protesting from the wings with next to no impact.  

Dominic Cummings had an impact. The way he pushed and presented Brexit was, begrudgingly, quite brilliant. He tapped into an anti-immigrant sentiment and strapped wartime rhetoric to the Brexit crusade. The tagline of “project fear” was deployed to denounce any sensible, fact based claims that the remain side came up with, and it proved to be arsenic to the pro-European message. Obama coming over? Project fear. Economy tanking? Project fear. Job losses? Project fear. Outside looking in? Project fear. It worked quite beautifully with working class Britain. Presenting the remain campaign as an elite clique of powerful people working to subvert British sovereignty and the wills of common British people. Project fear, coupled with “take back control” combined together to drown out any semblance of logic with populism. If you were to ask anyone what these two slogans really meant, they wouldn’t have a clue. But the “fuck you” British anger was in place, and it was there to stay. Thank you very much, Mr Cummings. Although his departure from Downing Street was one of the few highlights of 2020, I still worry that he will return soon enough, ready for the next destructive battle he can weigh into with his new balance, skinny jeggings, sex pistols t shirt and “I went to Barnard Caste and all I got was this crummy hat” hat. Dom ain’t gone, he’s only on sabbatical. 

It is hard not to feel a small tinge of sympathy for the Maybot. She is number 4 on this list. She is the type of woman that people on Gogglebox see and go “oh bloody hell I thought we had got rid of her!”, as she eviscerates the front benches of her own party. The front benches that once hamstrung her into resignation and sent her on her way as one of the most ineffective leaders of modern times. She probably has Fiona Hill and Nick Timothy to thank in equal measure for that, so the ERG can’t be entirely at fault. Nonetheless, she was Prime Minister for 3 years and got absolutely nothing done. She was about as useful as a chocolate mug. Anytime a little bit of heat was applied, she melted away and returned with more deals than Noel Edmonds, ratcheting up an outstanding list of government defeats in the Commons. Her weakness allowed Boris to go from strength to strength as he undermined his PM whilst sat a few seats down. She is not exempt from being a Del Boy of Brexit just because her wheeling and dealing was a lot worse than the rest of them.

There are many, many, many others that should be acknowledged here, but I have better things to be doing on New Year’s Eve than increasing my blood pressure writing about them all. We all know who they are anyway. The entire DUP, the Farages, Banks, Dysons, Martins, Ratcliffes, Goves, Bakers, Rees-Moggs, Hannans, Hartley-Brewers, Bridgens, Patels, Raabs, Littlejohns, Leadsoms, Hoeys, Redwoods, Jenkins, Foxes, Dacres and much, much more own this. It is only right that we give them all a true English wartime reward. We will remember them. 

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