Marzipan Man to Borissimo’s rescue.

The British Media is one known for its generally right-wing bias, so when the typically conservative paper The Spectator whips up a headline of “WHERE’S BORIS? – A GOVERNMENT AT SEA” then we should acknowledge that maybe the Prime Minister is not doing his job very well. But in fairness to BoJo, how good a job can he seriously be expected to do on an Etonian poverty line salary of 150K a year? What must the other Bullingdon Boys think?!

Reckon those togs made much of a dent in his poverty line salary? Source: Metro

With some high-flying Oxbridge types taking aim at Johnson, it took a man not cut from the same cloth as them to stand up for the PM on the news outlet platforms. Enter, Grant Shapps. The human celery stick, the marzipan man, the Tory Party’s appendix. Nobody is quite sure what he is there for. He just is. Like the mature student in a first year undergrad class, little G had his hand up first when Boris called on HQ to firefight the allegations made by Italy’s la Repubblica that the Prime Minister had taken a long weekend away in Perugia. He is the Transport Minister after all. Naturally, the claims are being denied by number 10, with the press team denouncing the reports as false

It didn’t matter to little G if the reports were true or not, he had his orders and he had to carry them out to the best of his limited abilities. When quizzed on Sky News, Shapps was quick out of the blocks to impress his masters, “Not that I’m aware of, I think it’s mistaken, as far as I am aware”. As shocking as it is, that is probably the best performance the celery stick has given for months. Cummings’s veterinarian plans of having an electric shock device attached to Shapps have had to be put on ice alongside his visions of muzzling Francois, neutering Johnson and lobotomising Grayling. 

It seems to be that the only use the Tories have for Shapps anymore is to send him into no man’s land to be shot at. Make him feel important again. He had his own delusions of grandeur when he thought he could oust Theresa May will a rally round on WhatsApp, but made the fatal mistake of zeroing in on his target only to find that he was holding a water pistol that is leakier than a pissing puppy. It seems that it is the only thing keeping Shapps in the loop. Now, little G, be a good little media droid for a few more years and you’ll be Chancellor before you know it. 

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